I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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