My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
