2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
