The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
