you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
