If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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