paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
