haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
