someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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