I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
