i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
As shirtless as possible
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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