i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
