Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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