you lied. pity sex is amazing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
