This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
