I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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