Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
