I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
