I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
