I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
