You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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