holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
