My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
