respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
pray to the hookup gods
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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