he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
