Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Come share oat with me in your robe
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
