best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
