my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
