I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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