My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we have pet lesbian snakes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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