I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
