So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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