seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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