He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
