hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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