I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
