Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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