My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
