Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
