Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
