Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
