Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
