Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
