look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
