Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
