By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wanna go halves on a baby?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
