Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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