the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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