I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
