Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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