Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
